I am fine...

Hey guys~

How are you? Oh you ask how I am? I am fine, thanks!

But that's a lie.. I am not okay... But who cares? They just ask you this question to be polite.. they don't really want to know who you feel.. what happened ...
As long as you smile they think you are okay... But when you drop the mask and show your real face... no one want to see it. Because that would mean that they have to feel with you... ask you... But tehy don't want to know other problems...

Perhaps you wonder why I am talking about this topic?
Because it's true... It sounds like I am a bit depressive? Than you are right... That's not only a phase or imagination of me... nope... it's diagnosed.
And I want to write about it... I hope writing help to escape from the dark inside me...

It began for some years, I started to think about death and cutting. I was really down, but than there was a person who starts to build me up again. That worked for some month... But after a year I started to feel bad again. Why? There is no reason... I don't know... It just started that I was easily to irritate, also I lost my libido... Next I get tired more and more, it doesn't matter how much I sleep... After 6,8,10, or even 14 hours I am still tired and just want to sleep. Sometimes I cry the whole night, often there isn't a single reason... At this time I want to start cutting again.. but I promised to stop.. so I am looking for another way to get ride of the pain inside me... so sometimes I smoke to come down... but this is also don't really the effect which I wish. I am still looking to get ride of this feelings and also the bad thoughts in my head...
I am wondering I there will be someone, who saves me before I destroy myself completely... 

I don't want to get attention with this post... I know there are many people outside which feel the same... Guys, you'r not alone! Stay strong! There will be a better time...
 I hope someone will come and rescue this people, because alone you don't have a chance to stand up again...